How Do Boundaries Help?
Over the upcoming days and weeks, many people will be entering the thick of the holiday season. For a lot of people, this time comes with extra responsibility, demands on time, travel plans, family commitments, and other ‘extras’ that are not a part of a typical week. This can be a time when we feel pulled in a lot of different directions. It can leave us feeling tired, burnt out, or maybe even resentful toward people or responsibilities. It may be sucking the joy out of the festive season.
If setting boundaries is typically difficult for you, this may be an especially challenging time of year. Even if you are confident setting boundaries in your daily life, it doesn’t mean they’re always easy to assert. No matter what type of relationship you have with boundaries, setting boundaries can be hard. Why is that?
Why Can Boundaries Feel So Hard?
Two common reasons why boundaries can seem hard to set is because:
We don’t want to seem “mean” or “upset” someone. We may want to “please” people.
We may want to avoid discomfort. For example, boundaries may cause us to experience guilt, tension, or nervousness.
Yet, boundaries can be beneficial. Here are three ways boundaries could be helpful (for us and others) this holiday season:
Support Your Best Self
One of my favorite sayings is “you can’t fill from an empty cup.” Meaning, if I am not filling my “cup” (my life, myself, my days) with the things that I ideally want and need (rest, exercise, mindfulness, alone time, work, friends, community) to feel my best, then I may not be able to show up for others how I would ideally like to show up for them. A quick way to let our cups run dry is by not setting boundaries. Without boundaries, we run the risk of constantly trying to fill other peoples’ cups while not focusing on replenishing the source – our cups!
Consider this example: “Cindy” has attended several holiday gatherings at restaurants and has spent more money than she had budgeted. This has contributed to anxiety about money and self-criticism. To get back in line with her money management goals, Cindy tells her friends that she won't make book club this month, but will see everyone at “Shaina’s” holiday party on Sunday. Cindy’s choice to assert a boundary (with herself and others) and replenish the financial needs of her cup enabled her to feel more aligned with her best self. From this place of greater self-alignment, she enjoyed time with her friends at Shaina’s party with less looming money anxiety.
Are there ways that boundaries could help refill your cup?
Make Space
When we set boundaries by saying “no” to something or someone – we may be creating space for something or someone else (including ourselves). Meaning, we may be creating space for something or someone else that matters to us that perhaps there wouldn’t have been space for if we had not asserted a boundary.
For example, even though it makes financial sense for Cindy to skip book club, that was a hard choice for her because she really likes book club. However, because Cindy made the choice to say “no” to book club, she created space for other things that matter to her. With her evening at home, Cindy decided to make a home-cooked meal and get a good night sleep. Missing book club created space for other things that matter to her: balanced nutrition and rest.
What could you create space for with boundaries?
Improve Relationships
Boundaries can say a lot. For example, boundaries could suggest to someone how we are willing to be treated or how much we will tolerate. Our willingness to assert boundaries can show others that we have wants and needs that matter to us. From this perspective, choosing to set – or not set – boundaries could influence the type of relationships that we have in our lives.
For example, Cindy’s boss used to text and email during non-typical business hours. When Cindy noticed this pattern, she used effective communication skills to kindly tell her boss that she will respond to texts and emails during typical business hours. Cindy also decided that during the evenings and weekends, she would mute the texts from her boss and not check her emails. Cindy’s use of assertive communication skills and boundary-setting strategies helped to set the tone for a respectful, professional relationship with her boss.
Could boundaries help you move toward the types of relationships you want?
What may help you get more comfortable with setting boundaries? Perhaps a greater tolerance to the discomfort that can come up when setting boundaries (guilt, anxiety, fear, nervousness)? Maybe practice with other types of skills that support boundary-setting, like communication skills?
Boundaries can help us enjoy life.
Let's Grow
There are many strategies and skills that can support healthy boundary-setting. If you would like to learn more in therapy, reach out for a free 15-minute informational consultation. I want to support my clients on their personal growth journey.
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