Why Our Thoughts Can Hurt
Have you ever stopped to consider that everything your thoughts tell you are not true? The thoughts that run through our minds say a lot of things – they uphold beliefs we have about ourselves and the world… they tell stories… they narrate our lives, usually from our point of view. Of course, our thoughts are helpful at times but sometimes our thoughts are unhelpful, lack perspective, or are just downright wrong. The influence that our thoughts can have on us doesn’t stop there.
From a cognitive-behavior perspective, the thoughts that we have about events can cause us to feel emotions, which can influence behavior.
Event
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Thoughts
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Emotions
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Behavior
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Event <> Thoughts <> Emotions <> Behavior <>
Here is an example: you arrive at your work holiday party and see your boss. You think, “I always screw up my presentations. He is definitely going to say something. I bet it was the worst presentation he’s ever seen.” These thoughts make you feel anxious and nervous, so throughout the evening you make every effort to avoid any contact with your boss. At the end of the night, you feel tired from being ‘on guard’ and annoyed because you couldn’t enjoy yourself at the party.
The cycle of ‘event-thoughts-emotions-behavior’ does not only happen in that order. Sometimes we may feel overwhelmed by an emotion first, which can cause us to have certain thoughts about the emotion. For example, you notice yourself feeling ‘neutral’ the past few days rather than ‘happy.’ You think, “because I don’t feel happy, I must be depressed.” This cues other thoughts that could be inaccurate like, “what is wrong with me that I don’t feel happier?”
Our minds our constantly perceiving, evaluating, and thinking.
This can generate a lot of emotional reactions and influence our behavior.
Cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT) can help us identify common ways that our thoughts can be unhelpful. CBT refers to these types of unhelpful thoughts as ‘cognitive distortions.’ Below are a few cognitive distortions that may seem familiar:
Catastrophizing
When our thoughts tell us that the worst-case scenario is going to happen – we may be catastrophizing. Can you recall times when your thought started with “what if” and ended with a feared outcome? Catastrophizing is a common breeding ground for anxiety and depression because when we think that the worst thing possible is going to happen, we understandably can have strong emotional reactions to that fear. Here is an example:
“I can’t believe I said that at dinner last night. My friends probably think I’m crazy. What if Shelly kicks me out of the group? Everyone follows her lead. I won’t have any friends! I will be so lonely.”
All-Or-Nothing
How often do you find yourself using the words ‘always’ and ‘never?’ Quite often perhaps, as they are commonly used words for most people. Yet, how often are things always or never true? Things may be true nearly always or almost never, but there are typically exceptions to this type of all-or-nothing thinking. When we think in terms of all-or-nothing, we may be worsening anxiety, anger, frustration, or other difficult experiences. Here is an example:
“Mom, you never listen when I am trying to tell you how I feel, and you always take his side!”
Mind-Reading
Do you ever find yourself assuming that you know what someone (spouse, parent, sibling, boss) is thinking without asking them? Mind-reading, or assuming that we know what someone is thinking, can be common in relationships, particularly relationships that are familiar to us (like a husband or wife). But the truth is that we do not actually know what someone else is thinking. How could we? This type of cognitive distortion can contribute to upset and difficulty in relationships. Here is an example:
“I know you’re ‘too busy’ to help. I am not even going to ask.”
Let’s go back to the holiday party example. Do you notice:
Catastrophizing (“..worst presentation ever”)
All-or-Nothing (“I always screw up.”)
Mind-reading (“He is definitely going to say something.”)
What if your thoughts said something different? What if your mind said, “Presentations are challenging for me but its probably not the worst presentation my boss has ever seen - what are the chances of that? I hope he waits until Monday to talk to me about it, but if he doesn’t I can handle it.”
Thinking about the situation this way may not completely remove all anxiety, but it is a more balanced and confident way to evaluate the situation. With practice, balanced thoughts can help us lessen the intensity of the emotional reaction (anxiety, nervousness) which could benefit behavior (enjoying yourself at the party).
We can change
the way we think.
Let's Grow
There are many strategies and skills that can be learned and practiced which can help us shift our patterns of thinking to be more helpful, encouraging, and positive. With practice, shifting the way we think can positively influence our emotional reactions to daily events and within relationships. If you would like to learn more, reach out for a free 15-minute informational consultation. I want to support my clients on their personal growth journey.
Disclaimer: Please note that visiting this website does not constitute a doctor-client therapeutic relationship. The information and resources included or linked on this website are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. The information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough medical and/or mental health evaluation by an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional. We do not know the specifics of your situation or have the facts to provide this type of evaluation and recommend that you seek an appropriately credentialed and licensed professional to establish a doctor-client therapeutic relationship. This website also includes links to other websites for informational and reference purposes only. This website does not endorse, warrant or guarantee the products, services or information described or offered at these other websites.
Wright, J. H., Basco, M. R., & Thase, M. E. (2006). Learning Cognitive-Behavior Therapy. American Psychiatric Publishing, Inc. Arlington, VA.
